This past week, for me, has been very trying on my steadfastness in the Lord. It seems that whenever things get tough, we turn to the Lord for answers, as I did many many times. Alternatively, when things are fantastic we pray and shout to the Lord with joy, as we should! There isn’t much prayer in between though is there? Without discipline or prayer sheets, it seems we have trouble communicating with God. However, the topic I want to explore is a bit different, what I’m looking for is honest prayer.
It only makes sense to come right out and say it, though this isn’t what I would consider a personal blog. I just went through a tough break-up with a girl I could have seen myself with in the future. It was full of unanswered questions, heart searching, and much much prayer. When I say prayer, I mean a lot of prayer: prayer from friends, family, church members, and myself. What did I decide to pray, though?
Most of the prayers went along the lines of, “God, whatever is in your will let it be done, all things work together for Your good, Lord”, or “Lord speak to me in this situation, guide me in what I need to do, and speak to her as well, give her clarity of mind and heavenly wisdom along with good counsel to guide her decisions”. Those are good prayers right? Yes! However, as time went on I knew God was pulling something more out of me in our conversations.
How about this one: “Lord, please. I really want this to work! I have poured much of my heart into this, and my desire is that you would bring us together. I want her. I want her to recognize ________, I want her to know ________, I want ______”. There it is. That was my heart, my selfish longings that I had kept locked down knowing that they were selfish, and keeping them from God for that reason.
This is my realization, though. I have written about this, talked about it, encouraged others to do it, and done it myself often, but it just takes those times to get it into my head: God wants my WHOLE heart. He doesn’t want the filter, why would He? He knows already! I might as well yell out to Him what I’m feeling, which a few times has been “What the *#$%”, or “Why the @#*$ Lord, why is this happening?” You heart is no secret to God, and it’s a matter of communication and release to speak it to Him. Revealing those things is a time of openness and vulnerability in the face of your Maker.
Jeremiah 17:10a “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind”. He knows us, are we willing to let Him know us?